Onsite’s Clinical Director, Bill Lokey, wrote a few words on suicide. Hope that this find its way to those who might need to hear that they are not alone and that life is worth living.
As my wife, Laurie, and I are in a plane right now listening to the instructions about using the seat belt and floatation device I find that while I am saying my same brief prayer that we have a safe flight there are others who right now are considering ending their life.
Twenty eight years ago I was in such a deep depression that I remember almost daily thinking how I would like to not be alive but not sure I wanted to die either.
As my depression continued for several months I was haunted most not by the hopeless and down feelings but by the altered thinking that gradually takes over. Thoughts that I was going crazy occurred when I became frozen because I couldn’t even decide what restaurant to go to. Thoughts of dying became attractive, almost seductive as I didn’t seem to “fit” anywhere anymore. I seemed alone at church, at work, at home, with friends because no one knew what was really going on inside my head or how I felt and I didn’t dare tell anyone. My gosh they might think I was crazy! And in case I decided to live that might be a bad idea. It is hard to explain to someone who has never thought of suicide that it doesn’t seem so far from center when getting there seems so gradual.
After the recent public suicides, I am sure there are some people who are thinking about ending their life right now while their friends or family have no idea. I hope some of you read this because I want you to know I am so glad I did not end my life.
Though it was dark and I spiraled down into a hole most days, I just didn’t end it. I can’t say that there was a deeper meaning or a light that kept me alive. I just didn’t do it. I felt hopeless but I just kept staying alive, mostly because of my young children. But I want you to hear that a year later, I was finding life again and finding hope again and was so glad I didn’t act on my depressed thinking.
What I can tell you is that while life still has pain, I didn’t miss the birth and lives of my grandchildren. I didn’t miss seeing a thousand beautiful sunsets since then. I didn’t miss real relationships with my adult sons and adult step daughters. I get to see people’s eyes start to have light again when I share my story from this perspective; life. I want you to know life will be worth it. Maybe not for a while, but it will.
Take one step at a time and talk to someone who you think has also weathered difficult times. Don’t worry about that you might seem kind of crazy. It takes a little “crazy” to find life worth living. Let’s all share our stories with each other to help get through this difficult time. Life is worth living.
Bill, thank you for sharing your story. While I don’t wish rough times on anyone, it’s comforting to know others have gone through similar hardships. As opposed to feeling alone and completely misunderstood by most family and friends, it’s reassuring to know that someone out there “gets it”. And it’s also reassuring to know that it gets better.
I’m in the midst of a dark period for almost two years now. There was a brief stay at Onsite followed by some relief but, unfortunately, more bumps in the road. I think those dark thoughts on a daily basis but I too get through it one day at a time and choose life. I hold tight to the belief that it DOES get better and that I wouldn’t want to miss those better times.
Thank you Bill for sharing your story and for providing support to so many through your life sustaining programs.
Dear Jackie and Bill, your stories are so real, deep and honest. I belong to a parent’s support group for five years (this November). I have found peace and understanding in this group that I don’t Have with anyone I love in my life. Your stories give me comfort in knowing we are kindred spirits!
I will be arriving at Onsite in almost two weeks. I am so ready to learn to focus on me. Thank you, Patti
Hi Bill,
I’m so thankful you chose life because you (and the Onsite Staff) sure changed mine.
I’ve had many dark thoughts. Most were before OS but a couple have been after. I know there is more to live for. I have young children. Those “left behind” are the ones who suffer greatly.
I continue to fall back on what I learned at OS. Thanks for sharing so much of yourself with us. It helps to know that others have worked through the pain to find happiness. You are such an inspiration.
P.S. Thanks for letting me sneak Ruby in on the last night!